Tag Archives: heaven

Angels

“Mom, can I have a sleepover with you?” My favorite words when I am here alone with the girls. Addie always wants to sleep with me. And I let her. I put her to bed on Shawn’s side and go downstairs to relax for a little while.

A couple hours later, I quietly climb into bed. Suddenly I’m wide awake. All I can hear is the sound of Addie breathing. I turn onto my side and stare at her. IMG_8375 - Version 2At my beautiful first born. How peaceful she looks. How still. And perfect. She is an angel. My eyes well up with tears. I reach out and put my hand on her to feel her breathing as I cry. I love having her sleep with me when I am alone. She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel peaceful and calm. She is my angel here on earth.

D&C 84:88

88 And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.

Oh how I love angels. And need them. My family is surrounded on a daily basis by many earthly angels who love us and take care of us. From all the gifts, to texts and calls, and then to those that help us regularly. My friends are angels. The friends that take Addie to preschool every day, that take my girls on play dates. The ones that are there for me emotionally. They let me be who I am. They let me go through whatever emotion it is I’m feeling. Even if it’s the same emotion we talked about the week before. They love me. They hug me and cry with me. They are amazing.

And then there is my mother in law. She is an angel. She has so much going on in her life and yet, she is there for us. She never hesitates to check on us. She watches my girls constantly and never complains. She loves my children. She makes sure that they know they are loved and not forgotten. She hugs me and encourages me when I am scared out of my mind. I will never be able to express to her just what her service has meant to me. How much I respect her and want to be just like her when I grow up.

Earthly angels are around me everyday. I also like to think that there are some special angels watching over us, especially my little man. I have a few in mind that I pray will protect my son and help him, four to be specific. The first is my great grandma Ruby. I wasn’t particularly close to her but I remember her vividly and have always felt a special connection to her. I pray that she is with me comforting me and helping me take care of my family.

The second is Shawn’s grandpa. Grandpa Rogers passed away a couple months before Beckett was born. He was an amazing man and had so much love for everyone around him. I like to think that he and Beckett were close in Heaven before Beckett came to our home. I like to think that he prepared Beckett and encouraged him. And I like to think that he is here a lot, taking care of his great grandson.

The third angel is Dru. Dru was another BA baby who fought fiercely against her disease until her little body couldn’t fight anymore. She was a beautiful soul. Whenever we are in the hospital with Beckett, I love to picture her by his side. She went through what he is going through. I like to think she helps him conquer these tough situations and cheer him on when he’s doing well.

The last angel is a special one to me. Before we had Addie, I lost a baby. Both Shawn and I felt so strongly that the baby was a boy and it was a devastating loss. I think of that baby constantly. And when I struggle, or when I celebrate, I like to wear a necklace that has a charm to represent that baby. It makes me feel like that little one is with me. I know that some may not agree with me, and that’s ok. But I feel that baby is near us, watching over his brother. Protecting him. Loving him. And that brings me peace and joy.

I truly believe that whether we recognize it or not, angels surround us at every turn. Earthly angels and heavenly ones. And they are there to protect us and lift us up, to lift our spirits. To help us feel peace and comfort. I love that. And I will thank my Father in Heaven every day that I have so many angels in my life.

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My Little Beckett

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Oh how I love this little boy. My little Beckett. He amazes me everyday. He is perfection.

Because of everything going on, part of me feels like I’m being robbed of his infancy because I’m so concerned with what is happening medically. But at the same time I feel like I notice things more and little developments are more important to me. The day he found his hands will forever be etched in my memory. IMG_7146We were in the hospital for the third time and I remember worrying that he wouldn’t develop at the same pace as other babies his age. I knew he would spend a lot of time in the hospital in a bed and that fear overtook me. Then he started grabbing his hands and staring at them. It was my own little miracle. My vision of his future. He would be ok.

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This boy can melt my heart with one smile. He can melt anyone’s heart with his smile. We had so many nurses call him a flirt because he gives up smiles so easily.

He can speak to my soul when I look in his wise eyes. And he gets whatever he wants when he puts on his pouty face. IMG_7183

I soak it all in. I soak in his expressions. I soak in his eyebrows telling a story. I soak in his snuggles and little grins. Each time he reaches out and grabs my face, my mother heart bursts. IMG_7166

 

 

 

 

 

I love watching him sleep.
He is so peaceful and perfect. I often wonder what he is dreaming about. I wonder who is watching over him. Being home with him the past few weeks and not being in the hospital has really made me enjoy our boring mundane life. I can almost forget that there is anything wrong with him. I can almost pretend that he is perfectly healthy.

When I was pregnant with him, I just knew that there was something different about him. I knew he was a boy. I knew he was special. Then he was born and I felt instantly connected to him in a way that I can’t describe. It was very different than with my girls. At first I attributed it to the fact that he was a boy. That mother/son bond. But now I KNOW that isn’t the case. He is my gift. He is my treasure. He is my angel sent from heaven. His is a life that I will learn from daily. And we will not let his disease defeat us.

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Dru

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It’s been a few days since Dru left. It just doesn’t seem real. I replay the night and the moment so vividly. Kim was laying on our bed looking at Instagram and I was trying to get Beckett asleep. I could hear the shock, fear, and pain as the words came out of Kimmie’s mouth.

“Shawn, Dru died!”

Tears. Shock. Lots and lots of tears. Followed by fear and pain.

Since that moment I have mostly been numb. There is just too much to really feel and comprehend all of my emotions.

I have wanted so badly in her memory to post the perfect picture with the most perfect caption. Many times I have opened up Facebook to write Dru’s parents a note to bring them comfort and to tell them how much we love them. How much we admire them. How knowing them has eternally impacted our lives. Or even to simply say, we are praying for you and hope that you find some sort of peace through this hellish and nightmare of a situation. But every time I have tried coming up with the right thing to say I have actually ended up closing my app/browser with no words on the screen.

What do you say? What could I say that would make any difference? How could I possibly help at all? I think everyone has probably felt the same way at some point with some sort of experience.

imageDru was the first BA baby that we met. I remember, like it was yesterday the morning that we met Andy, Dru’s mom at the hospitality cart down the hall from our rooms at Primary Children’s Hospital. She gave Kim a hug and was so kind to us both. Dru and Andy have been the light and strength to our family. Bill, Dru’s father became my role model. He is my example of how to be a supportive husband, and how to manage your hospital child with your children at home, while managing work all at the same time. 

I only got to see Dru a few times during our hospital stays. However, it didn’t take more than 5 minutes till I fell in love with her fierce and sassy personality. She was referred to by everyone who knew her as Miss Magic. I’ve never had a chance to ask who came up with her nickname but it defines Dru in every sense. The lil lady was magical. She put a smile on everyone’s face. She changed communities of people. She impacted my family and changed me personally. Have I mentioned that she was only a year old?

Dru was one of two liver kids that we were aware of who needed a liver transplant and was a permanent resident at Primary’s while waiting for her gift of life. One received her liver on Sunday. Dru passed away on Monday and today will be laid to rest. I will never forget Dru. When I tie my running shoes I will think of #movingformissmagic. She certainly moved me. I can keep moving for her. When Kim wears her necklace that says “I can do hard things” I will think of Dru and her family and how they have gone through the hardest trial. When I pray at night, I will remember Dru and ask God to send her to watch over Beckett as he fights his liver battle. I can’t think of a more valiant warrior than Dru to protect my son.

Love you Dru. Thank you for being a light in my life during the darkest days I have lived. You made me a believer. I believe in magic.

Click here to read more about Dru and her amazing family. Please pray for them and honor her by becoming an organ donor.

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A Glimpse of Heaven

It’s 2:30 am. I’m tired and Beckett is hungry. Shawn and I work together to get his bottle ready and change his diaper. Neither of us wants to feed him. We want sleep. It’s my turn.

I cradle this baby boy in my arms and feed him the bottle. My eyes are heavy. He finishes and I lift him to my shoulder to burp him.

And then it hits me. That smell. Oh that precious baby smell. I’m wide awake. I’m breathing him in. My heart. My soul. In the dim light, I see his perfect little mouth and feel his little chest rise and fall as he sleeps on me. I rub my cheek against his. It’s so silky and smooth.

And then I’m crying. Oh how blessed I am. God sent me this perfect little bundle of heaven. I see him for who he is. An angel in my life. I see who he will become. I close my eyes and kiss his cheek, again and again and again. I pull him in close, breathe him in. And then I lay him down in his bed to sleep.

Tonight I have glimpsed heaven. Tonight I have felt a part of the love that God has for me. And I am blessed. So very blessed.

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