My Little Beckett

Oh how I love this little boy. My little Beckett. He amazes me everyday. He is perfection.

Because of everything going on, part of me feels like I’m being robbed of his infancy because I’m so concerned with what is happening medically. But at the same time I feel like I notice things more and little developments are more important to me. The day he found his hands will forever be etched in my memory. We were in the hospital for the third time and I remember worrying that he wouldn’t develop at the same pace as other babies his age. I knew he would spend a lot of time in the hospital in a bed and that fear overtook me. Then he started grabbing his hands and staring at them. It was my own little miracle. My vision of his future. He would be ok.

This boy can melt my heart with one smile. He can melt anyone’s heart with his smile. We had so many nurses call him a flirt because he gives up smiles so easily.

He can speak to my soul when I look in his wise eyes. And he gets whatever he wants when he puts on his pouty face. 

I soak it all in. I soak in his expressions. I soak in his eyebrows telling a story. I soak in his snuggles and little grins. Each time he reaches out and grabs my face, my mother heart bursts. 

I love watching him sleep.
He is so peaceful and perfect. I often wonder what he is dreaming about. I wonder who is watching over him. Being home with him the past few weeks and not being in the hospital has really made me enjoy our boring mundane life. I can almost forget that there is anything wrong with him. I can almost pretend that he is perfectly healthy.

When I was pregnant with him, I just knew that there was something different about him. I knew he was a boy. I knew he was special. Then he was born and I felt instantly connected to him in a way that I can’t describe. It was very different than with my girls. At first I attributed it to the fact that he was a boy. That mother/son bond. But now I KNOW that isn’t the case. He is my gift. He is my treasure. He is my angel sent from heaven. His is a life that I will learn from daily. And we will not let his disease defeat us.