I Want….

I want to hear my girls crying because they don’t want to share toys. I don’t want to hear Beckett scream because he had to have his 3rd IV in one day.

I want to watch tv with Shawn. I don’t want to watch monitors.

I want to clean up spilled milk and sticky faces. I don’t want to clean up vomit because Beckett fights his meds.

I want to nurse my baby. I want to comfort him when he’s sad. I don’t want to wait for the smelly, thick formula to warm up.

I want to lie down because I’m tired from chasing the girls around or running errands. I don’t want to lie down, exhausted because Beckett is so uncomfortable and can’t sleep.

I want to get a headache because my kids are loud and crazy. I don’t want to deal with a migraine because I’m more stressed than I’ve ever felt before.

I want to make dinner and eat as a family. I don’t want cafeteria or cold fast food.

I want the well check visits where the pediatrician tells me how great my kids are looking and to keep up the good work. I don’t want conversation after conversation about how sick my baby is and wondering what I could have done differently.

I want to take a rushed 5 minute shower so that I can hurry to stop the girls from getting into trouble. I don’t want to use a communal shower.

I want to spend forever trying to put a fussy baby to bed. I don’t want to spend forever trying to put him to bed only to have nurses wake him and poke him every 30 minutes.

I want to hear him coo and giggle. I don’t want to hear him choke and gag.

I want, I want, I want. I want my old life back. I want the piles of laundry, the runny noses, the clutter. I don’t want the liver disease, the doctors and the worry.

I want a healthy baby.

I’m sure the day will come where I feel more positive about things but for now I want to be angry. And I want to cry.

But most of all I just want my healthy Beckett back.