Last week as Kimmie mentioned was just a real pain. The last 72 hours especially. I have had so many thoughts and feelings emerge. I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to quit missing the miracles that are taking place. It’s midnight, I am exhausted. Beckett can’t sleep. I can’t sleep. I’ve been fumbling, frustrated all week trying to extract my feelings from within to release them on a pad of paper and have nothing to show for it.
It’s midnight and I am now eating nachos in the Primary Children’s empty cafeteria. Beckett is in a stroller next to me wide awake and cranky. Kimmie is asleep on the couch upstairs in our room. I have no idea who the nurses are tonight and so now I’m eating nachos. Good thing I am on what I’ve been calling the “anxiety” diet. I don’t have to worry about stuffing my face with processed cheese because I’m stressing.
Will we be home for Christmas? What does Beckett’s future look like? Is he going to need to be drained every week? Where is my happy boy? When is he going to smile again?
It was so good to see my girls tonight for a few hours. I missed them so much! How do I make sure I have time and energy to provide Adalyn and Raemee with what they need?
How are we going to raise money for Beckett’s liver transplant once he gets listed? When is he going to get listed? How do I support my family financially when I feel a larger weight to support them physically and emotionally?
Why won’t Beckett sleep? What has been causing his fevers? Maybe I’m not praying right. Nothing is getting better. I don’t feel like I am getting answers. How do I pray then? What’s the Lord’s timing? How come I can’t see the bigger picture? What details am I missing? I feel like I am missing something. Why can I not see through the fog? Please let me see more than two feet ahead of me!
Ugh! I ate them all. My nachos are gone.
C’mon Beckett. Let’s go back upstairs and take another lap around the hospital.