It’s late and I don’t know if this will make any sense but I have so much going through my mind and I need to get it out. Another liver baby passed away. I didn’t know him or his family like I do a lot of the others that have lost their fight with liver disease, but as I lay in my bed tonight, my wall came crashing down. My tears started flowing. My heart aches for these families. Too many little ones have gone to heaven lately. I do a pretty good job of distancing myself from it all. I have to. That was almost us. We almost lost Becks. I still have nightmares that we lose him. I know that something could still happen. I treasure each moment with him because deep down I’m terrified that I will lose him. I’ve seen it happen. My heart sinks with each new post of a family who has been diagnosed, or whose fight has come to an end. I’ve even pulled away from some of the groups I’m part of because it’s too hard. How do you navigate through all the mixed emotions? The heartache that you know they are experiencing, the terror that it could be you, the relief that it isn’t, the faith that things will work out, the joy that you see in your own life, the guilt that you have something that others desperately want back. I don’t know how to feel or act. I am trying to find my place in my new life. I am trying to move forward with faith and not fear and yet not become hardened. I’m trying to not bury my emotions. I want to feel. I want to remember what we went through and remember the pain and fear and worry. I want that to help me to help others. I also want to feel the joy and happiness in my life but that means I have to feel the pain. It’s torture. The agony of seeing wonderful friends go through devastating trials; ones that would break me. The fear every time we get Beckett’s labs, worried that something might be wrong this time. It’s hard having this new level of feeling. It’s hard having it be real life and not just something that happens to other people or in stories.
I find myself clinging fiercely to those I love, my husband, my children, family and friends. I find myself praying harder than ever for miracles in the Lord’s timing, for peace in His plan and the courage to walk tall each day. I want to find my purpose in all this. Why have things turned out the way that they have? What can I do? How do I make a difference? I don’t know the answer. I’m trying to figure this out daily. So for now I will pray and weep for those around me, I will squeeze my kids a little harder, and I will turn myself over to Him to mold me and strengthen me, to show me the way I should go, to use me. And I will feel. Love, sorrow, joy, fear. I will allow myself to feel it all. And tonight it’s pain.