It’s late and I don’t know if this will make any sense but I have so much going through my mind and I need to get it out. Another liver baby passed away. I didn’t know him or his family like I do a lot of the others that have lost their fight with liver disease, but as I lay in my bed tonight, my wall came crashing down. My tears started flowing. My heart aches for these families. Too many little ones have gone to heaven lately. I do a pretty good job of distancing myself from it all. I have to. That was almost us. We almost lost Becks. I still have nightmares that we lose him. I know that something could still happen. I treasure each moment with him because deep down I’m terrified that I will lose him. I’ve seen it happen. My heart sinks with each new post of a family who has been diagnosed, or whose fight has come to an end. I’ve even pulled away from some of the groups I’m part of because it’s too hard. How do you navigate through all the mixed emotions? The heartache that you know they are experiencing, the terror that it could be you, the relief that it isn’t, the faith that things will work out, the joy that you see in your own life, the guilt that you have something that others desperately want back. I don’t know how to feel or act. I am trying to find my place in my new life. I am trying to move forward with faith and not fear and yet not become hardened. I’m trying to not bury my emotions. I want to feel. I want to remember what we went through and remember the pain and fear and worry. I want that to help me to help others. I also want to feel the joy and happiness in my life but that means I have to feel the pain. It’s torture. The agony of seeing wonderful friends go through devastating trials; ones that would break me. The fear every time we get Beckett’s labs, worried that something might be wrong this time. It’s hard having this new level of feeling. It’s hard having it be real life and not just something that happens to other people or in stories.

I find myself clinging fiercely to those I love, my husband, my children, family and friends. I find myself praying harder than ever for miracles in the Lord’s timing, for peace in His plan and the courage to walk tall each day. I want to find my purpose in all this. Why have things turned out the way that they have? What can I do? How do I make a difference? I don’t know the answer. I’m trying to figure this out daily. So for now I will pray and weep for those around me, I will squeeze my kids a little harder, and I will turn myself over to Him to mold me and strengthen me, to show me the way I should go, to use me. And I will feel. Love, sorrow, joy, fear. I will allow myself to feel it all. And tonight it’s pain.



Filed under Perspective

2 responses to “Emotions

  1. Christine Sanderson

    You must be as strong as you need to be, but don’t try to do more than you can. Ask God to use you in whatever way He needs to, and then allow Him to do so, and allow yourself to be used as God wants. You are tearing yourself apart, as every mother would if they were going through what you are. Hug your husband a little longer, squeeze those children a tiny bit tighter, give Becket a beautiful big smile even if it is between tears, and stop worrying about not doing the right things. We, who love you and Beckett will continue our prayers that a new little liver will become available soon, this one will have Beckett’s name on it. Take it a bit easier on yourself, you are doing everything right, you cannot be expected to do more. Only God in His Infinite Wisdom knows exactly what to do. Do not ask Him for specifics, just ask that He do what He knows is best for you, for Beckett and for your wonderful family. May my words help to bring a touch of relief to you my dear.

    Big hugs to Beckett.

    With love and prayers,
    Christine Sanderson
    Nova Scotia, Canada


  2. I can only imagine the pain you and your family have endured. I read Beckett’s story and was drawn to follow his journey over the past few months. And I have seen other babies pass away while they waited for a liver and my heart broke. I don’t want to say it all happens for a reason, because what reason is there for a little one to pass away? All we have is faith and learning what we can from these little angels. All you can do is continue to be grateful for Becketts’ second chance at life and continue loving and supporting him in everything he does. Be happy and try your hardest not to feel guilty for his second chance. You might never know why Beckett got the 2nd chance and these other babies didn’t. Just embrace gratitude and continue to show your compassion! I am grateful for your vulnerability and sharing your feelings with others. I am so happy for your family. God bless you!


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